Thursday, August 19, 2010

it's hard being a man

our family eats out pretty often - about once every other week, sometimes more if we're busy.  9 times out of 10, we pile into the car and pull out of the driveway having no clue where we're going to end up.  it's not that we're adventurous, fly-by-the-seats-of-our-pants kinda people; it's that we can't ever agree on where we want to eat. 

i like sweet tomatoes, he has to have some kind of meat ("if there's no meat it's just a side dish.").

he's a creature of habit, i like to try new things.

it can be a bit stressful. 

so when i read Emily Post's rules for dining out when a woman invites a man and saw how stress-inducing this could be, i decided i'd let my husband do the inviting from now on, cause i could use a little less stress in my life...

Lesson #2

"When a woman invites a man to dine with her for personal rather than business reasons and it is understood that she is paying the bill, there may be some embarrassment at the time the check is presented.  The best solution is for the woman to have a credit card, or possibly a charge account at the restaurant.  The act of signing a slip of paper does not somehow seem so objectionable as having the woman check over the bill and count out the money while the man sits helplessly by. 

Mary's always prepared...
In fact, this situation is so awkward that many women without chage privileges prefer to give their guest a sum of cash large enough to cover the bill before they enter the restaurant, thus relieving the man of any embarrassment before the waiter. Incidentally, this solution serves in the case of the husband who has left his wallet behind or has insufficient money with him. Rather than have him embarrassed in front of the staff or his guests, his wife may pass him the necessary sum without calling attention to his situation." is Fat Jesus.
so what's more embarrassing:  having your wife pay or carrying a satchel?

Monday, August 16, 2010

Rewind, Be Kind

i'm a sucker for old-fashioned etiquette - amuses me to no end.  so i was just tickled pink when i recently came across a copy of the 11th edition of Etiquette, published in 1960, at a thrift store for $2.62.  it's been an entertaining read, for sure.

not wanting to keep all the fun to myself, i thought it'd be neat to apply 1960's etiquette to various social situations of today...wanna give it a try?

Lesson #1

with summer coming to a quick end, i know there are lots of mommies out there trying to find ways to fill their time while junior is off at school learning reading, writing and 'rithmatic.  as any good 1960s wife and mother would, you'll probably want to spend that time cleaning your house, preparing meals, and mending things (assuming, of course, you don't have "servants").  here is what Emily Post has to say about dressing for housecleaning:

"The housewife busily doing her chores in her house or apartment should certainly wear whatever clothes are, for her, most comfortable.  In the country, this often means shorts or slacks for all morning activities, and in the city, these are certainly proper in her own apartment, or if she is hurrying out for a moment to shop in her block or to walk the dog to the corner.  No matter how informal the outfit, if it is neat and clean (of course, you may have dirt from the garden on your hands or smudges from cleaning the oven on your face, but if your chores for the day have been of this sort, do them first and wash and change before going on to something of a less demanding nature), you need make no apology when a salesman comes to the door or your friendly neighbor drops in.

"Two cardinal rules must be mentioned: Never go shopping or to any public place with your hair in curlers, unless they are so skillfully concealed with a scarf or hat as to be completely invisible. Never wear short shorts or a bathing suit on the street. In many communities it is actually illegal to appear in these costumes, so if you don't wish to change into other clothes to do your errands, you must cover your lack of clothing with a skirt, a beach coat, or a shift."

Not wanting to take any chances on a second arrest, Doris
forgoes the daisy duke's and bikini top in favor of a smart dress and kicky apron.

so there you have it:  no short shorts and no visible curlers.  and if the Jehovah's Witnesses show up at your door, it's perfectly acceptable to have dirt on your hands (perhaps if you tell them you were just burying-i mean, planting-some flowers they'll skip your house next time?).

let me know how this works out for you :)

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

rah rah sisk boom bah

football season is officially here

i've never been a big sports fan.  especially when it comes to televised sports.  i can get excited about mary lou retton's perfect 10 vault or nancy kerrigan's "suck it, tonya!" comeback performance, but brett favre's retiring - wait, no he's not - hold on, yes he is?  i couldn't care less.

but that's not what this is about. 

this is about real, live, up close and personal high school football

in the South.  where your children choose their colleges based first on football team loyalty and second (albeit a close second) on academic offerings.

and high school is the last step before college - the time when college recruiters share the sidelines with cheerleaders, when local newspapers and news stations give high school football equal time with professional football.

in short, it's a big frickin' deal.

and my son is playing his very first year of varsity football. 

he's played for more than a few years now - 2 years of youth football and 2 years of JV - but it didn't count.  all of that was just preparation for this. 

the big time.

i'm scared and excited for him all at once.  and the people in the stands are going to be privvy to my fear and excitement for the next four months.

because i get loud

and now?  the JV parents get to enjoy my own special brand of cheering because my daughter is now officially a new member of the JV cheer squad.

i think i should invest in a good stadium seat.  and throat lozenges.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

welcome to the jungle

i was cleaning out my guest room/play room/home office this afternoon when i came across a little something that looked like this:

um, holy shit balls (thank you, bethenny frankel, for that, btw)

in case you're unfamiliar with this particular brand of evil, that, my friend, is a brown recluse spider.

and it was about as large as that photo up there.  which means it might be something different because everything i've found on the net says that brown recluses don't get much bigger than a quarter.  

the one i saw was, with legs extended, as large as my hand, fingers stretched out.

but that shudder is exactly shudder what it looked like.

so if you know anything (or know someone who knows anything) about spiders, tell me what the hell that thing is - please!

in the meantime, i've called our exterminator and since it's the weekend, i had to leave a message; but i expect (read: hope) that they'll be out here tomorrow morning, first thing, to do away with all things eight legged.

and in other news...

peek a boo!
this guy was hangin' out on my husband's smoker this afternoon.  he's an eastern lubber grasshopper and measured somewhere around 4 inches in length.

given my earlier run in with Evil McSpider, there's no way in hell i would've gotten anywhere near this thing, but there was a window separating us so i felt safe(r).

i thought he was kind of cool (to look at, not befriend or anything).

but i have to ask - WTF is up with all these flippin' animals around here lately?  i half expect Marlin Perkins to arrive at any moment.

and oh god, i hate to even think it, let alone say it outloud but what's next?